I STILL have not started back on my stringent routine that I had been following. Getting back on track is certainly easier said than done. This past week was rough and I was pooped. I think I have finally caught up on my sleep and today is the day. No excuses.
I finally made it to the grocery store, so I have a bit of food that I can eat without guilt now. Not tracking what I am eating has not been good. When I don't measure what I am doing to myself, I set myself up for total failure. Not working out... makes it even worse. I lost the energy, I lost the momentum and now realize that I won't make my goal weight by October 3rd. I'm po'd at myself but I am getting over it this minute and am going to convert that anger into the energy to get myself back together.
One more thought... outside influences. Call me temporarily anti-social, because I cannot participate with my family and friends right now. When I am around people who don't get it, I fail because I'm weak. I internalize everyones problems (on top of my own) and everyone seems to have problems right now. All the worrying and lack of ability to fix anyone has worn on me. There's too much drama and when I look at how I fell into this latest depression it has much to do with that. I feel guilty about it but, I really think I have to be selfish right now. The only person I can fix is me. I just can't deal with them right now. How horrible is that?
8.18.2009
8.05.2009
Sorry...checked out for awhile
I completely checked out for the month of July... sorry about that. Can't say for sure what my deal is but I am feeling better now. I guess I just got into a rut and it has taken me this long to find my way back. With all the "issues" I have going on right now, I guess I got tired and didn't have much to say. The good news is I haven't gained anything. The bad news... I haven't lost anything. I've said before, it's all too easy for me to screw it all up.I just got back from visiting family in Washington. It was a nice trip. I saw my natural father who lives in Norway and my half-sister who I haven't seen since she was eleven (over 20 years ago). Visited with my grandma who had a stroke last year. So sad... she has all of her thoughts right in her head but when she verbalizes them, the words come out all wrong. Very frustrating for her and for those trying to carry on a conversation. Writing is the same. The stroke seems to have only affected her language. It was a family reunion of sorts and I saw many of relatives that I haven't seen since I was a child.
Anyway, works still sucks and I expect it all to come crashing down any day. I'm trying not to worry but it's difficult. The only thing I can do right now is pretend I'm all together. My mom says if you pretend your happy... one day you just will be. We'll see.
I have a tough week coming up. I will be working everyday from 9:00 - 8:00 with no day off as our sales manager is on vacation starting Friday. It's tough with just me and him running the show... not that there's much of a show. Most of the time, were are sitting around staring at the walls. All that lack of actually doing anything is exhausting.
So... here I am again. Hope you all are doing well.
6.26.2009
I am so sore today! I felt okay yesterday, but I think my workout from the night before last has finally hit me. In the beginning, I was using light light weights just to get my body used to the motions and figuring out what was not going to not hurt my back. I added a little more as I was going and finally the other night, I worked out for real. It was the first time using weight that really challenged me and I'm feeling it! The pain feels good, and my back is doing okay... I think. I always feel my back so it's hard to tell if this is helping that situation.
As far as my obsession with what goes on with calories in/out... I have accepted that whatever I do that I shouldn't is going to show up on me right away. Anything right I do, will be reflected 2 or 3 days later. The only way I can for sure combat the calories is too not screw up and stay ahead. I'm trying... really, I am.
All of your comments and advice is so awesome. Jack Sh** is soooo right!
As far as my obsession with what goes on with calories in/out... I have accepted that whatever I do that I shouldn't is going to show up on me right away. Anything right I do, will be reflected 2 or 3 days later. The only way I can for sure combat the calories is too not screw up and stay ahead. I'm trying... really, I am.
All of your comments and advice is so awesome. Jack Sh** is soooo right!
6.25.2009
Incredibly sad....
Today has been a sad day. Losing Farrah, my childhood hero, the girl I wanted to be when I grew up was sad enough. She suffered horribly and I am relieved that she isn't suffering anymore.
Michael Jackson dying is a complete shock, and more personal. My very good friend was working with him up until today and he is devastated. Years ago, I had the pleasure of meeting him and it was a highlight. You know, many people believe alot of shit they read about celebrities and some of it may be true. Not here... believe me when I tell you, Michael was NOT a child molester. He was a victim of some very greedy f**king people. Obviously, he had issues but who doesn't? Granted, his were a bit strange but then again, he couldn't hide his weirdness from prying minds. He never had that luxury.
He was a sensitive and gifted man, and believe or not, lived a hard life and I don't mean in a monetary way. People think money solves all problems. I'll agree, it certainly helps but he didn't deserve the negative attention and it really ruined him emotionally when he was already ill-equipped. Too sad.
If he were really a child molester, don't you think he'd be in jail? They wanted money and that's what they got. I met that bitch of a mother of the first child... long story and I will not go into it, but let me tell you... it was all bs on her part. Greedy, greedy witch and I hope that she gets what she deserves. To use a child like that is deplorable.
Sorry for the rambling, just so sad to me.
R.I.P. Farrah and Michael
Michael Jackson dying is a complete shock, and more personal. My very good friend was working with him up until today and he is devastated. Years ago, I had the pleasure of meeting him and it was a highlight. You know, many people believe alot of shit they read about celebrities and some of it may be true. Not here... believe me when I tell you, Michael was NOT a child molester. He was a victim of some very greedy f**king people. Obviously, he had issues but who doesn't? Granted, his were a bit strange but then again, he couldn't hide his weirdness from prying minds. He never had that luxury.
He was a sensitive and gifted man, and believe or not, lived a hard life and I don't mean in a monetary way. People think money solves all problems. I'll agree, it certainly helps but he didn't deserve the negative attention and it really ruined him emotionally when he was already ill-equipped. Too sad.
If he were really a child molester, don't you think he'd be in jail? They wanted money and that's what they got. I met that bitch of a mother of the first child... long story and I will not go into it, but let me tell you... it was all bs on her part. Greedy, greedy witch and I hope that she gets what she deserves. To use a child like that is deplorable.
Sorry for the rambling, just so sad to me.
R.I.P. Farrah and Michael
Still curious about the calories...
It's amazing how much conflicting information there is about weight loss and fitness. It's no wonder many people get so confused, they give up. I have been reading alot about the subject and while there are many points that people agree on, there are many that people don't agree on. For example, I have read that you don't get your "fat burning" until about 20 minutes after you begin cardio exercise. Others mention that you get in the first 15 minutes. Confusing.
This morning, I was looking for information on how long it takes for a calorie deficit to actually translate into weight loss from your body. I was thinking that this might explain why weight levels fluctuate when you are continuously tracking a deficit. Well, I didn't find much about that but, I did come across this article (http://www.hussmanfitness.org/html/TSCalDeficits.htm) that I thought explained things pretty well.
Anyway, the bottom line is calories. Maximizing the balance of in and out in a healthy manner is definitely a challenge and every one has a different chemistry, making things a little more of a challenge to figure out.
I've decided to cut back on my reading and pay better attention to what my personal body chemistry is saying. I have read that eating less than 1200 calories is not healthy but the days where I consume just below this, about a 1100 or so, seem to be the days that I am maximizing my energy levels as well as creating a loss. I am going to assume that this is a small enough difference that my calorie counting may be about a 100 calories to little. This does seem to be my ideal consumption range, though. So, that's my goal for the next few days. Make sure I eat atleast 1100 calories but no more than 1300. Had a little trouble with that again yesterday. Ate too little. I wasn't hungry and just kind of forgot to eat more. I messed up by not having any snacks. I'll do better today.
This morning, I was looking for information on how long it takes for a calorie deficit to actually translate into weight loss from your body. I was thinking that this might explain why weight levels fluctuate when you are continuously tracking a deficit. Well, I didn't find much about that but, I did come across this article (http://www.hussmanfitness.org/html/TSCalDeficits.htm) that I thought explained things pretty well.
Anyway, the bottom line is calories. Maximizing the balance of in and out in a healthy manner is definitely a challenge and every one has a different chemistry, making things a little more of a challenge to figure out.
I've decided to cut back on my reading and pay better attention to what my personal body chemistry is saying. I have read that eating less than 1200 calories is not healthy but the days where I consume just below this, about a 1100 or so, seem to be the days that I am maximizing my energy levels as well as creating a loss. I am going to assume that this is a small enough difference that my calorie counting may be about a 100 calories to little. This does seem to be my ideal consumption range, though. So, that's my goal for the next few days. Make sure I eat atleast 1100 calories but no more than 1300. Had a little trouble with that again yesterday. Ate too little. I wasn't hungry and just kind of forgot to eat more. I messed up by not having any snacks. I'll do better today.
6.24.2009
Caloric Mysteries
Obviously, we all know that 3500 calories = 1 lb. of fat. If you burn 3500 you'll lose and if you don't you'll either maintain or gain. Okay, why did I gain 1 lb.? Let me say, I'm not concerned that I did. It'll be okay. I weigh myself everyday because I find it motivating. I also find it interesting to see what the reasons are for loss or gain, other than what the scale says. Now, somewhere, I screwed up in my calorie calculations, big time. Obviously, I know this is not an exact science on any given day, but still, I am curious.
So, 1 lb. of fat is exactly what I gained. Starting from zero, I ate, 1,668 calories. My activity log says that I burned 2,391 calories during the day. That leaves -723 calories. Add in 3500, as that's what I gained. So, this means that I was off by 2,777 calories, right? That's quite a bit of a screw up somewhere. By all means, please let me know if I am calculating this all wrong.
Now, I know what I did wrong. I did not go to the gym (about 400 calories) and I ate about 500 more calories than I typically do on a good day. I ate take out food (spicy fish). Obviously, I figured wrong in the calories there. I ate more carbs yesterday too. My average carbs are 84 grams and I did at least 126 grams. At any rate, that leaves an additional 1,777 (give or take) calories or so that I mis-calculated.
This all works the other way too. The other day I had a loss of 1.6 lbs. in one day. Yes, I had too little calories that day and I worked out big time, but my calculations for that day are that I should have lost, but not 1.6 lbs. This was about a 1,000 calories mis-calculation.
Obviously, something is askew. I think I want to get that metabolism test I have heard a couple of people talk about. Maybe that would clear up the mystery of the missing calories. Now, we all must know by now that I am a whack job with all the obsessing. It's a good thing for me though. If I am not aware, I am more likely to screw it up bigger than I already have on some days. It is all too easy for me to decide to not do something, like go to the gym and all too easy for me to decide to eat something stupid... like spicy fish from a restaurant, followed by 6 ounces of spaghetti with meat sauce at dinner.
When will I ever learn? Anyway, I know that I am never going to be able to know exactly what my body is going to do. I know that I need to create deficits. I just want to find my balance. What does my body want in terms of in/out to work efficiently and still be healthy, while still losing weight?
So, 1 lb. of fat is exactly what I gained. Starting from zero, I ate, 1,668 calories. My activity log says that I burned 2,391 calories during the day. That leaves -723 calories. Add in 3500, as that's what I gained. So, this means that I was off by 2,777 calories, right? That's quite a bit of a screw up somewhere. By all means, please let me know if I am calculating this all wrong.
Now, I know what I did wrong. I did not go to the gym (about 400 calories) and I ate about 500 more calories than I typically do on a good day. I ate take out food (spicy fish). Obviously, I figured wrong in the calories there. I ate more carbs yesterday too. My average carbs are 84 grams and I did at least 126 grams. At any rate, that leaves an additional 1,777 (give or take) calories or so that I mis-calculated.
This all works the other way too. The other day I had a loss of 1.6 lbs. in one day. Yes, I had too little calories that day and I worked out big time, but my calculations for that day are that I should have lost, but not 1.6 lbs. This was about a 1,000 calories mis-calculation.
Obviously, something is askew. I think I want to get that metabolism test I have heard a couple of people talk about. Maybe that would clear up the mystery of the missing calories. Now, we all must know by now that I am a whack job with all the obsessing. It's a good thing for me though. If I am not aware, I am more likely to screw it up bigger than I already have on some days. It is all too easy for me to decide to not do something, like go to the gym and all too easy for me to decide to eat something stupid... like spicy fish from a restaurant, followed by 6 ounces of spaghetti with meat sauce at dinner.
When will I ever learn? Anyway, I know that I am never going to be able to know exactly what my body is going to do. I know that I need to create deficits. I just want to find my balance. What does my body want in terms of in/out to work efficiently and still be healthy, while still losing weight?
6.23.2009
Patterns
I have been on my mission for 35 days now. As you know, I am tracking just about everything I do. Food, exercise, mood, measurements, and of course, blogging. While it is a bit time consuming, I am happy that I'm doing it. I am seeing patterns in my eating and exercise behavior and also how my body wants to lose weight, or hang onto weight. My energy levels also seem to be following a bit of a pattern too.
Being a woman seems to factor into this quite a bit. I am beginning to that think my entire life revolves around my period. By the time I meet my goal, I think I may have a clear idea of how to combat being a woman and what I can expect. You'd think I'd be used to how things are for me every month, but let me assure you, I have never paid all that much attention, until now. I just know it's always unpleasant and always seems to show up at the worst possible time. This is like an experiment for me in a sense. If I can detect the problem, maybe I'll be able to find a way to counteract the negatives.
All that said, in case you have taken a gander at my stats for yesterday... my caloric intake was a mess. There's a reason. I made myself a salad last night. I had three cups of romaine, .50 ounces of blue cheese, green pepper, radishes and 4 ounces of chicken, topped off with 2 tables spoons of real blue cheese dressing. I started to eat, and the taste wasn't all that good. Now, blue cheese dressing has a kind of "spoiled" taste anyway, so I was thinking that it was just my taste buds, so I took another few bites. It was definitely off. I decided to take a look at the dressing bottle and it was beyond expired. I threw out the salad, felt grossed out, had little else available to eat and did not feel hungry anymore. I went to the gym because it was already 9:00pm. By the time I got home at 11:30, I was pooped and went to be after having a fudgesicle.
My issues here... I have to pay better attention to my grocery shopping. You might think that the grocery store is my favorite place on the planet considering how fat I let myself get, but it is actually the place I detest going the most. It's a stressful place and I try to avoid it as much as possible. The food disaster happened partly happened because I over shopped the last time I was there. I have been throwing a lot of food out because it has gone bad before I can eat it. I just missed the dressing. Because I bought too much and didn't get to eat it, I had hardly had anything else in the fridge to eat. I have to make more frequent trips to the store and buy for just a few days at a time. I need to do a better job of planning out my meals so I don't have these disasters of not eating enough or way over eating bad stuff. I need to learn to love the grocery store. It needs to be one of my favorite places. I have to learn to love it more than a delivery man or a restaurant. My love/hate relationship with food needs to change. I need to love the right foods and hate the bad foods. I have to develop a love for cooking. I have few skills in this and really should try to get better at it.
Being a woman seems to factor into this quite a bit. I am beginning to that think my entire life revolves around my period. By the time I meet my goal, I think I may have a clear idea of how to combat being a woman and what I can expect. You'd think I'd be used to how things are for me every month, but let me assure you, I have never paid all that much attention, until now. I just know it's always unpleasant and always seems to show up at the worst possible time. This is like an experiment for me in a sense. If I can detect the problem, maybe I'll be able to find a way to counteract the negatives.
All that said, in case you have taken a gander at my stats for yesterday... my caloric intake was a mess. There's a reason. I made myself a salad last night. I had three cups of romaine, .50 ounces of blue cheese, green pepper, radishes and 4 ounces of chicken, topped off with 2 tables spoons of real blue cheese dressing. I started to eat, and the taste wasn't all that good. Now, blue cheese dressing has a kind of "spoiled" taste anyway, so I was thinking that it was just my taste buds, so I took another few bites. It was definitely off. I decided to take a look at the dressing bottle and it was beyond expired. I threw out the salad, felt grossed out, had little else available to eat and did not feel hungry anymore. I went to the gym because it was already 9:00pm. By the time I got home at 11:30, I was pooped and went to be after having a fudgesicle.
My issues here... I have to pay better attention to my grocery shopping. You might think that the grocery store is my favorite place on the planet considering how fat I let myself get, but it is actually the place I detest going the most. It's a stressful place and I try to avoid it as much as possible. The food disaster happened partly happened because I over shopped the last time I was there. I have been throwing a lot of food out because it has gone bad before I can eat it. I just missed the dressing. Because I bought too much and didn't get to eat it, I had hardly had anything else in the fridge to eat. I have to make more frequent trips to the store and buy for just a few days at a time. I need to do a better job of planning out my meals so I don't have these disasters of not eating enough or way over eating bad stuff. I need to learn to love the grocery store. It needs to be one of my favorite places. I have to learn to love it more than a delivery man or a restaurant. My love/hate relationship with food needs to change. I need to love the right foods and hate the bad foods. I have to develop a love for cooking. I have few skills in this and really should try to get better at it.
Publish Post
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
